Go Upstairs.

[Tac/阿坦] 只欠东风

2007-11-06T04:50:00.000+08:00

她没有咄咄逼人。

既然你已晓得
处于混沌的是阿丑
阿优坚持的是阿丑的混沌

持续不断的蛮力无法
将之带离混沌

阿优没有咄咄逼人
只欠了一刻钟的东风。

因为
阿丑没有成功摆脱
没有东风的境地

……

阿优没有咄咄逼人。

[Deah/阿优] 淡然

2007-10-20T19:03:00.000+08:00

今天
旁坐没有让你恶的甜
所以我
翻了一箱的冰糖葫芦
再倒了一柜的苦泪

座空空，我走了
留下一袭愁
意绵绵

无香也无味

[Deah/阿丑] 路标错乱

2007-10-14T00:57:00.000+08:00

路标上的箭头总是指向我。
我想，应该都只是会指向我而已。

因为将要离开这梯的是我。
不对。不是因为要离开了，所以才不会错乱吗？

不知道。所以中断了与他的谈话。
没有说拜拜的谈话。

其实除了你之外，
路标上的箭头
（虽然我没说）
也把我刺痛了。

[Deah/阿优] 不咽

2007-10-03T17:20:00.000+08:00

不听
内心呼喊

不看
美好幻象

不思
明日波折

我可以
静待
烛光烧尽
再待
翌日破晓
再过
无数个日月星辰

那一口气
我还是不
咽

[Deah/阿优] Self-Discovery (SeDi) Final Report

2007-09-08T02:13:00.000+08:00

My Original September.

Been feeling relieved gradually, but not as much of a surprise. Certain things still lags around. Hmm. But it doesn't harm that much.

Damage reduction and path-smoothing process. - 70%
Development and advancement. - 60%
Fresh and peaceful. - 90%
Joy and God. - 90%
Orderly. - 30%
Fire-lilied. - 50%

Been acting a lot milder and has been easily influenced.
Been feeling busy and empty. Been keeping quiet to myself but it doesn't help anymore.
Am not comfortable with this situation. Seriously.

Some discovery?

Yes.
I have been losing my identity. Little by little.
The causes? Various and drastic happenings before and after.

I finally admit my sickness.
No blaming, nor looking back.
I finally admitted it.

If only I were myself again.
I hope you know the me, my love.

I just need to recover.
Recover.

[Deah/阿丑] 阿优的黑珍珠

2007-08-22T16:56:00.000+08:00

我把那曾经属于阿优阿良的一只小玩物
带回大厅里

带到大厅的原因并不是因为阿良
完整一点，不完全是因为阿良

玩物带着的意义也许你不曾像我一样如此在乎
也许从一开始只有我一个像小孩般珍爱她
还为她取了个名字，黑珍珠

提起过的黑芝麻，你应该也不喜欢
不是我的，不需要在乎
可惜的是这个小玩物仍隐约提醒着我
曾经还有一只属于阿良的小玩物

黑珍珠的尾巴是有线头的那一只
完美的留给阿良

多余的线头早已剪了
静静的坐在舒适的大厅里
黑珍珠应该会更快乐
这里有更多喜爱她、赞美她的人
还有陪她一同玩乐的人
见此我当然更快乐

黑珍珠不需要再为身世而让主人独自在闺房里哀伤
她也可以为更多的人带来欢喜，她也是有用的
不只是碍位的小玩物

无须

久久停格在泛黄泪流的碎心里。

[Deah/阿优] SeDi: Progress Check 2

2007-08-12T00:41:00.000+08:00

Some (forgotten) discoveries.

独立与个人主义应该是不同的。
也许心底最深处需要的，是一个扶持。
这辅助的能力，不一定全然是一种依靠，不一定是所谓的懦弱。
需要辅助，因为那个体不完整。
如果我说，他是适合填补那一个空缺的他
个体是否就完整了。

也许已不需要自我平衡——两个极端。
作用力和反作用力，牛顿第三运动定律(Newton's Third Law of Motion)。
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
两个人的相处，莫过于如此。Forces always come in pairs. 一正一负相同大小的力量，就是达到平衡的条件。

信仰，莫过于是坚定不渝的相信，且是相信自己。
一颗冰冷的心，仍无时会被偶然唤起被隐藏的感动。

李家同老师为11楼（Han, Sang-bok著）写的序，大意是这样的：
“爱与希望同在。”
“忙碌是为了有更好的明天，但是为什么很多人还是不快乐。”
“人每次在追求人生的意义，但为何舍近求远；其实爱就在身旁，看看身边的亲人，爱人及朋友，想想曾经让你感动的事。”

Progress check 2 of SeDi

Damage reduction and path-smoothing process. - 20% (1st check) > 65%
Development and advancement. - 30% (1st check) > 70%
Fresh and peaceful. - 80% (1st check) > 80%
Joy and God. - 60% (1st check) > 85%
Orderly. - 10% (1st check) > 15%
Fire-lilied. - 50% (1st check) > 65%

1. Somehow the time helped me to go through this process. Still can be improved. And also there is some kind of sequela after that too.
2. Yeah. And I was reassured about this.
3. Feeling better. But tired. Ups and downs in this part.
4. Never accept blindly. I know what I need.
5. Need to work harder.
6. The flower's evolving. Hope it will be stronger and more charming.

[Deah/阿优;Rahet/阿丑] 不骗你

2007-07-09T04:32:00.000+08:00

“骗子。”

声音从工作室传来，工作室里只有一个人。

“我想阿优不曾说实话，” 阿丑指责着。“好听的话，都是美丽的谎言。”

“好听的话，都是美丽的谎言吗？” 阿优有意无意地反问。

“从你口中出来的好话，其实都是屁话。” 不好的字眼从阿丑口中说出，情况不见得很好。

阿优的直伸的手，深入阿丑的胸膛，紧揪着阿丑的心。

原以为阿优会把冷冷的眼神画在自己脸上，配合着工作室冷冷的空调，死盯着阿丑。少见的是，冷冷的眼神不在阿优的脸上，阿丑像阿优般静静冷冷地看，而空调像烤炉般嗡嗡地响。阿优却是一脸的犹豫与不安。

心藏在阿优的纤细的拳头里，阿丑没有理会阿优的反问，继续说话。

“不痛了，只有窒息的感觉。”

“痛的是我，会死的也是我。”

“为何还骗我、瞒我、欺我、负我。”

“因为我从来都不知道‘选择’是我自己决定的。 ”

“没关系，我不痛，没关系啊，” 阿丑摸了摸在她胸前白皙的手臂。“今天，你很像我。”

“我痛，是你的错。”

“因为我们本来就是互相依靠生存着的，我死你也活不下去。”

“骗人。”

“你不要学我说话，” 阿丑对皱着眉的阿优说。“你现在也没办法放手了。”

“最后一次了，阿丑。最后一次委屈你。”

“现在应该不会太委屈了，晓奇一直都在。”

“晓奇在你那儿？”

“晓奇在我们这儿，不骗你，从来不。”

[Deah/阿优] Positivity

2007-06-19T23:45:00.000+08:00

Never like the idea of piling up tasks, because I never know how to complete them by focusing one at the time. Because I see all the things I have as one. Somehow this weakness of mine always reminds me of him. It is not that I'm unaware of this, but sometimes this is what differentiates me from you. This is how you made your decisions until today and this is how I walk my paths until now.

My life has once drastically switched to a messy routine since 4 years ago. During the years, perhaps I was too bloated, perhaps I wasn't aware of my own needs, perhaps Ｉ thought things will always be better if it was done alone, perhaps many perhaps, I keep losing my own battles and setting new records for my own failures.

I couldn't get out of my own trap.

Being selfless doesn't necessarily has to be neglecting own needs. Putting own needs as the first priority doesn't necessarily means being selfish. What are needs? A friend of mine reminded me that people suffer because they couldn't fulfill their needs. I have referred to this site to learn more about 'needs'.

Had once I completely lost faith to the term 'friends' or 'companions'. Perhaps the effects were still on me for quite a long time. It always ends up in disappointment when I have placed trust onto someone. But perhaps if I keep on trusting them, miracles might happen. Trust is crucial and good companions are treasures.

Thank you all my friends for staying by my side, although I'm not good in keeping close contact with people. Thank you for keeping me sane.

Of course I need to thank you for walking into my life again.

Thank God for everything that I've gone through, brought important people into my life, and never giving up on me.

[Tac/阿坦] 店外

2007-06-01T16:02:00.000+08:00

（相关：店里）

第二天早晨，阿优离开了小店。阿丑临时找了代班的，就跟着阿优的后头出来了。阿丑闭上又肿又痛的双眼，就好像昨晚大哭了一整夜那般。

店外没有店里的安宁。

没有风，没有太阳，没有天空，只是一个空间，类似一间空房子，没有颜色的。没有颜色的意思就是好比当我们闭上眼睛的时候，说黑色又不是黑色，说什么颜色都不对的时候，我就管他叫“没有颜色”。无色的空间里，有些东西一直在飘着，因为没有光，只能够凭感觉感受那些似乎连贯但又独立飘着的东西。

站着没有动，阿优静静的注意着有点颤抖的阿丑。让我用一些现成的文字，述说阿丑。
（文字重点摘录：孙燕姿的新专辑“逆光”里的歌词。
注：歌词顺序和句子结构经简单的修改过，并不是最原本的歌词摘录。）

1. 占总飘着东西的10%
“我怀念的是绝对炽热、感觉汹涌。谁过头太远了、自顾自地走；要走了我的心，然后忘了那就都是曾经承诺。” -我怀念的，姚若龙作词-

2. 占总飘着东西的10%
“记受伤的在账单，累积负债的失望。美好回忆始终不够还，所以梦想没有办法兑换。” -爱情的花样，廖莹如作词-

3. 占总飘着东西的10%
“脑袋逃不开，游在充满你模糊的想象里。” -需要你，伍家辉作词-

4. 占总飘着东西的10%
“我忽然非常想念你。一次次的灰心，发现早已麻痹。宁静是时候好好反省，但你的放弃，我迷失了自己；你的离去像刺青烙印在我心，如此痛、却又如此的美丽。” -安宁，林倛玉作词-

5. 占总飘着东西的60%

“我知道这就是答案了。还能怎么感受，那残余的温柔。
当盲目的黑夜清晰过白昼，当奢侈的快乐赔上了所有，当假装的理智熬不过放纵；
你的神色什么都淡了，我的神色什么都算了。
飞不进你梦中，偷一点感受；
飞不回原来我，冰冷的躯壳；
就这样漂浮着，穿梭着悲伤。
感觉掏空，灵魂不在了；失重，在飘着”

-飘着，陈镇川作词-

阿丑似乎哽咽中说了很多很多的话。哭泣的声音像幻觉一样在空间里来回飘着。

只有我看见，阿优带着那一个店里的空杯子。那一个杯子其实是阿良的，杯底，刻过“神话”两个字。阿优看了看空空的杯子，多了个标志就以为很特别了，其实只是廉价的杯子一个。没什么值得再回首了，阿丑应该是说完了，停顿了一会儿，阿优把阿丑的话都收起来。阿丑不晓得还有没有想哭的冲动。望着空的杯子，她吹了一口气，杯子渐渐溶在飘着的杂质里，从阿优手中消失，阿丑好像没有哭了。

在这里两天了，阿优隐约中在不远处看见晓奇对她的挥手，阿优便拉着阿丑无力的手离开了店外。

[Tac/阿坦] 店里

2007-05-19T12:13:00.000+08:00

店子里的人飘在Death Cab For Cutie 的音乐里；一首Brothers On A Hotel Bed，温柔地吞噬着店里的烦嚣，没有人听见邻座年轻女孩们的笑声，也听不见对面桌的疲惫上班族的抱怨，也听不见电视上旧片子的声音。只有小声但清晰的一首Brothers On A Hotel Bed。

只是一家很普通的二十四小时小食店，普通的调酒，精致的小食，还有人抽的一些小烟。阿优一个人坐在暗处不显眼的一角，桌上有两个杯子，一杯暖绿茶，另一个是空的，和一个浅黄色的空盘子，干净的好像不曾置放过任何食物一般。

阿优旁边的座位，应该是阿良的。阿良不在，也许他刚刚走了，也许离开了很久，也许今天他不曾来过。阿优望着空杯子，脸上若有所思地回想着一些什么。

在阿优左边的桌子坐着在一间速递服务公司工作的晓奇，前面正对着阿优桌子的远处有个新来的小伙子，小伙子前方靠左坐着阿民，阿优以前叫他民哥的；民哥的座位，以前也是阿优的同行，也是以前的常客，喜欢坐的位子。店子里除了这四台，还有其他看似很快活的年轻人、生活乏味的上班族，而没有人的桌子也是有四张。

柜台后，在不亮的灯光下还能看得见在店子里工作的阿丑。阿丑很用心地抹柜台、很细心地算账。环视小店，只有一副“老板不在这里”的样子。

那一首温柔的音乐，开始快了节奏，但店里没有一个人在乎。阿优轻抬头望向晓奇的方向，晓奇感受到那视线也会意地看着阿优。互相对望，直到彼此都认为足够为止。她再看了看民哥，民哥打着电话，还没有留意；小伙子看着阿优，阿优不想留意；她轻呷了一口绿茶，一面感受着音乐里温柔的哀愁，一面静静地看着那一杯已掏空的杯子。

互相认识的人，有时候不一定需要说话；没有话说，就不必坐在一起尴尬。

对了，阿丑说，老板的店子叫火百合。

[Deah/阿优] SeDi: Progress Check 1

2007-05-03T00:25:00.000+08:00

End of March. Today, the beginning of May.

Let me do some (random) progress check of SeDi.

Damage reduction and path-smoothing process. - 20%
Development and advancement. - 30%
Fresh and peaceful. - 80%
Joy and God. - 60%
Orderly. - 10%
Fire-lilied. - 50%

1. Some paths has been smoothen, but there is something there that couldn't be reduced.
2. Have some advancement in other matters I think.
3. Feeling them most of the time.
4. Same as above.
5. There is some kind of order, but not the order that I planned to have.
6. Installation complete. Initializing stage.

Have never felt so desperate for joy and fun and solitude.
Can't wait for the arrival of My Original September.

(And I had a happy Labour Day.)

[Deah/阿优;Rahet/阿丑] 混沌

2007-04-25T03:35:00.000+08:00

谁的舌沾了醋
谁的话添了谎
哪些醋是纯的

哪些谎是真的
什么油可以喝
什么言可以食

（人来人往）

该听什么事
该想谁的话
该说什么梦
该做谁的心

（潮起潮落）

答对答错
是左是右
东南西北
一二三四

（很难很烦？）

不想不听
不问不讲
井底之蛙
只要甘心
极乐快活

真搞不懂自己
为何不曾安心地甘心过。

[Tac/阿坦] Toilet Coupons

2007-04-16T21:58:00.000+08:00

Went to Taman Tasik Titiwangsa, Kuala Lumpur.
I need a go, so I paid 20 cents to use the public toilet (just like most of the places in KL).
And I got a toilet coupon, or a toilet receipt.
It's in Malay, I translated them (almost literally) into English.
Do tell me if you have better translation suggestions.

(Front)

PUBLIC TOILET
PARK CULTURE & CITY CLEANLINESS CONTROL DIVISION

FOR TOILET USE ONLY
20 CENTS No. D 839568

(Back)

TOILET FACILITY

TIME OPEN: 7.00 am - 7.00 pm
PAYMENT RATE: 20 CENTS FOR TOILET USE ONLY

USAGE RULES:

1. NO FOOD AND DRINKS ALLOWED IN THIS BUILDING.
2. TAKE CARE OF THE CLEANLINESS OF THIS AREA OF THE FACILITY. THROW RUBBISH INTO THE BIN PROVIDED.
3. DO NOT MAKE NOISE. TAKE CARE OF THE PUBLIC HARMONY IN THIS AREA.
4. USE THE PROVIDED FACILITY AS FAST AS YOU CAN SO THAT OTHERS CAN USE THE FACILITY AS WELL.
5. USE THE PROVIDED FACILITY WITH CARE. DO NOT DESTROY ANY THINGS AND THE FACILITIES PROVIDED.
6. THE DBKL MANAGEMENT WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURY OR ANY LOSS OF PERSONAL BELONGING.

UNDER THE ORDER OF THE
CITY MAYOR
KUALA LUMPUR

JD105609-PNMB.,-K.L.

I wonder if anyone really do read all of these before they go for their business in the toilet. We are so uncivilized that we eat and drink and make noise and stay overnight in the cubicle. Or else, they wouldn't be making these rules huh.

And I find it bloody hell interesting to share with you. :)

[Quiz] 选瓶子

2007-04-10T03:12:00.000+08:00

性格测验连结 (link)

您选择了【免费组的26号瓶】
平衡油26～惊吓瓶

你是一个喜欢游戏与欢乐的人，你常常像小孩一样咯咯的笑，同时你的笑也会感染到周围的人。你的感官非常灵敏，重视生活的品味与享受。

你的困难与挑战﹕你缺乏安全感，可能在最近或过去有受过惊吓的经验，而且那个惊吓的经验到现在还影响着你。由于缺乏安全感，所以你可能会过度敏感，无法信任他人或者新的环境，无法真实的展现你所有的一切。

你的未来潜能﹕一个非常独立的人，富有创造力，具有很深的、直觉性的智能，藉由教别人而学习，很聪明，而且很小心，做事不会太过火，凡事采取主动，能够感觉很深的喜悦。

[Deah/阿优] SeDi: My Original September

2007-04-08T19:04:00.000+08:00

Of SeDi (Self Discovery) Project.

Objective: My Original September.
To be more precise, the title would be My Original Mid-September.

my (adj.)
The possessive form of I, used as a modifier before a noun.

o·rig·i·nal (adj.)
a. Not derived from something else; fresh and unusual.
b. Showing a marked departure from previous practice; new.

Sep·tem·ber (n.)
The ninth month of the year in the Gregorian calendar, the month following August and preceding October.

Descriptions:

Damage reduction and path-smoothing process.
Development and advancement.
Fresh and peaceful.
Joy and God.
Orderly.
Fire-lilied.

Starting from end of March until mid September. I'll see if this work.
I am smiling.

[Rahet/阿丑] 拾遗

2007-04-06T01:44:00.000+08:00

Perhaps it's one of the first steps of SeDi project (which is initiated by Deah), so I added a SeDi label too.

Click on the image for a clearer view of this step contributed by Rahet.

There is still a lonngg way till My Original September.
Hmm. Distant.

Anyway, I like Fire Lilies (火百合).

[Rahet/阿丑] 丑忧优愁

2007-03-25T17:59:00.000+08:00

阿良：

迁来这儿后，阿优都没提起过你的事；即使曾有件小事是值得宣扬的。应该没什么不妥，我知道你们又会说我杞人忧天。可我忧的不是崩塌的天地，是优良的默契。

（阿优是丑的。）

密室的门，都差不多全都为你打开了。阿优锁上的门，我亲自开给你了；你还看不见？就当是我看得见你的钥匙吧。我自己也回想不起那个时候了。

（阿丑当然是丑的。）

阿良，你喜欢阿优，是因为我的温驯吗？阿优的心，像朔料一样，有时候能拗能折，有时候一折就断。我，有没有让你觉得比较容易应付？阿优一直会想很多事，会为未来的事做准备，只是现在想的总是出乎意料地被扰乱了；辛苦建立起来的秩序被扰乱了。

一直无法安定下来，安稳的生活是什么？沉闷？没变化？不对，安稳是自己能够掌握的事。迁居后，我从来不曾安稳过，况且，我从来也不曾把一件事做妥当过，我是知道的，阿优多次对我说过。

丑忧优愁。

阿良，你应该懂吧，应该。
盼早日复函。

祝
快乐

阿丑字
二〇〇七年三月二十五日

[Deah/阿优] Introduction to Self-Discovery (SeDi)

2007-03-22T12:10:00.000+08:00

Something made me happy today.
(I believed that caffeine had a certain effect on this too.)

Problem 1:

Things go really wrong when you mess with your Windows system files, and having worms and viruses in your system. What to do?

Solution 1:

1. Identify the errors and the corrupted files.
2. Clean the viruses or broken files, get the appropriate system files (compatible with the OS you're using) back.
3. If it still doesn't work, try formatting your computer/hard disk drives.
4. Then get a good anti-virus software; do not carelessly open any unknown applications, and back-up your files before modifying or replacing it.

Problem 2:

I'm corrupted.

Solution 2:

1. I tried to look for the broken files, and the cause of having it corrupted.
2. I tried many ways to clean it, but it didn't really work out.
3. I couldn't just shut myself off and reformat myself, I have nowhere to move my data (I've got only one hard disk drive, no partitions).
4. Lastly, I figured out something. I think I know my own operating system better already.
5. I need an on-going project to keep everything running smoothly, and in my way.

6. I named this project Self-Discovery Project, SeDi in short.

[Deah/阿优] 警告

2007-03-09T15:48:00.000+08:00

阿丑近来太放肆了
我默不作声
就爬到我头上来了

想让我一次又一次地
出丑，有不少人看见的
阿优，其实有时侯是
阿丑放肆

管他什么误会
我有一堆堆的拥护着
认识阿优为阿优的人

认识阿丑假扮的假阿优
低等的阿丑，我想
就只有低等的人才会误认
就不管了，不需为无谓的
解释

你凭什么神气自大
再一次你就别想活着。
阿优我可不是随便给人
踩头的。

[Deah/阿优] Winter

2007-03-03T10:19:00.000+08:00

(Inspired by the song Winter, by Tori Amos)

I can make ice out of my mouth in this winter.
But I really wish I could breathe out all the ice in my heart out in this winter.

I have never watched the snow falling and have never sung in the winter.
I don't know how winter look like.
But I think I know how it feels.

The wind gets stronger
My legs get weaker.
I look back, I couldn't find any footprints.
Not even my previous traits.
No any proper paths behind and in front of me.

I have the urge to take the road not taken
Instead of blindly walking forward
But it is so cold
I'm trembling.

It feels like forever.

When will the winter melt?
Father, I'm very lost.
When will the winter melt?

[Tac/阿坦] 大年初二的阿丑

2007-02-25T19:11:00.000+08:00

谁的生日，大年初二。
谁犯了太岁，谁的血光之灾。

阿坦没有看见阿妈跌倒
阿坦看见的是嘴里留出的血
唇和牙齿之间溢出的血
沾到了阿妈的手
齿缝都是红色的。

大人扛着阿妈的腿和身子
阿妈皱眉嘴微张，手有力无力地乱晃
时而手脚会突然抽搐着
阿丑说他们那时弄到阿妈的伤处
阿丑说阿妈的腿好像伤得很严重
不能动了。

阿丑呆呆地站在阿妈的身旁
阿丑叫我轻轻挽着阿妈的手
大人冷静地准备水呀纸巾呀沙发呀收拾呀什么的
阿丑没有做什么，阿丑在哭

陶瓷碗破成好几半
汤也倒了，蘑菇、萝卜、肉碎
自然地撒在草地上
一些留在瓷砖上
汤在阿妈的身上。

阿妈的下巴肿得好厉害
双眉之间皱得好厉害
阿丑说阿妈很痛
阿妈跟阿丑一样，眼里留出两条小河。
（这叫借代修辞法〕

我和阿丑跟着大家到医院
纸巾都不够用
阿丑一直在哭，鼻涕一直流
阿妈给医生和X光机检查
阿丑到厕所拔卫生纸擦鼻涕
阿丑一直哭着说自己没有用。
说阿妈很辛苦。

我只是陪着阿丑。

家，阿丑又哭了。
阿丑说他很担心阿妈会有事。
怕阿妈以后不能走了
怕牙齿断掉了
怕阿妈会走掉
还有很多很多的阿丑的怕
阿坦都记不得那么多了。

总结：大年初二(19.2.07)的阿丑一直哭。

[Rahet/阿丑] 崩溃2 / Break Down 2

2007-02-20T03:17:00.000+08:00

Click for the first Break Down in Schizophrenia.

This was written on February 3rd and 4th, but posted on the date as shown.
Click on the images for larger preview.
(If you have the patience and time to read them.)

Thank you and have a nice day.

Pure Joy

2007-01-28T13:56:00.000+08:00

I love you, my Holy Father in Heaven.

怪

2007-01-24T22:26:00.000+08:00

狼来了的故事没听过么？

生活里没有undo键
做错的事没有办法改对
说错的话没有办法收回
复合的伤口没有办法不留伤痕

剩下的选项只有
接受、补救、后悔、遗憾、叹气

剩下的感觉只有
…
唉、怪。

越长大越发觉自己做错的事还蛮多的。
各种矛盾和感觉参杂起来的时候
我
也不晓该如何形容
穿插在我魂里人、事、物

我词穷脑汁干

就只能觉得
怪。

Reply

2007-01-16T16:52:00.000+08:00

(Comment for Sharon's Blog)

Ying, I'm glad that I came over to your blog. I have never know what to talk to you, I've tried to start up a conversation that I wanted, but I always get a feedback that doesn't meet my expectation, and I ran out of ways. I do not understand you, and I'm never good at understanding people.

It is not only you that felt this way. Masks...what are they made for? To hide themselves, it is a self-defence mechanism of everyone. Have you tried putting yourself in our shoes? Don't we feel the same from you?

I felt that you're always untrue to me. I couldn't open your heart if you didn't intend to open up to let me in. I care, but I don't know how to tell you. I'm not as strong, they are a lot of things that I don't know as well. I need someone to be there, at the same line with me, but I do not know how to make this clear to you. I tried talking to you about my problems, I did tried to start a more personal conversation with you, but...either you didnt notice, or you don't want to tell. I'm one who need interactions. If I took the first step, and I didn't see you walking one step forward, I'll give up taking another step to you. It's my nature.

------

I used to do things by myself, but since you're my partner...I really wish I could really get help from you. But I couldn't 'fang xin' everytime to let you do your part, because there are always last minute 'interruptions'. Do I not feel disappointed as well? I know that I'm not a good partner to you or a good friend, I am a failure, I couldn't even get my partner and clarify her job tasks and what we need to work together, I couldn't take good care of her.

I couldn't enjoy in my holidays too. Calls, Sms-es, emails, related to the club. So what if I have CLS-phobia? I still have to face it, because it is my decision to get into high comm. There is no turning back. It is tough to do something that I don't understand, and it is even harder to tell something that I don't 100% understand to you and to others. That is why I often ask you... what makes you join the election in the first place? If you don't have the answer, take it as a path... that God has chosen for you (or a fate, perhaps it is easier to understand). He has his reasons for doing so - because he believed that we can overcome it, and He just wanted His children to be a better person by taking this bumpy road, and he brought us together.

Everytime we tell ourselves to be tough and strong, but are we really doing that? I know there is always people who mentally support me, but always the last important step, is to be taken by me. No matter how many people are supporting me, when I don't want to do it, everything ends.

You might just need a reason to go on. I need one too. I couldn't sleep well every night, I cried and I screamed. A lot of internal conflicts, a lot of thoughts. Aren't we all the same? I have a partner, but I couldn't feel her. What is the difference of doing all the thinking and working alone? Am I not lonely like you?

You get lost because you don't understand the situation. You don't know where you are and what you need. Trust me, I don't know too. A lot of critics by the seniors, a lot of mistakes, being blamed and being accused of a lot of my mistakes and inefficiency. Do you know all these? Do you know how hard I feel everyday? I wanted to share with you but I couldn't, because I didn't feel you. I'm scared of you, I don't know what to do with you. But you're here by my side, it's just that I couldn't feel you. And problems are like raindrops keep falling on me.

I tried hard to get out of this depression. Not even me, I think Jacky felt the same way too. When anything goes wrong, the blames go to him first. And he had to take up the burden of carrying us all, he doesn't even have the time to feel depressed. I don't want him to think of me as a burden. I often felt this way. I don't want to be anyone's burden.

But you know you have to get out of this depression, and I know you can.

You just need a reason to go on. When you know what you want, always remind yourself of that, because people are forgetful. If you didn't keep reminding yourself, you will get lost. Like I did, and I might still am lost. But I hope that at least I still have your hands to hold when I am lost.

Feel the strength that comes from our inner heart, dig it out to overcome our weakness. Both of us need to courage to face our problems.

Please, come back. Give me a chance to know you, let me know how you're supposed to be.

“Procrastination” 的运作方式

2007-01-15T12:05:00.000+08:00

窗里的世界无比可爱
我为窗里人哀乐
自己也满足欢喜

如果我置身在那
就好了

每天会有属于那天的如果
只是这些如果都是
消磨时间的方式

空想
我在窗外的闷白色房间
墙上贴着一项项待完成的事
脑里飘着一箱箱放纵自己的方式

缓缓柔柔飘着的
比板板绷绷钉着的可爱

注意
放纵自己第一条

开窗吧！

我撇开待做的事
让自己颓废一点

然后
我欢喜地盯着窗里头
我又回到我可爱动画的怀抱了

如果我有一辈子的学校假期
就好了

邯郸学步

2007-01-03T22:35:00.000+08:00

（变了么没变
没变么变了）

隐隐约约的模模糊糊的
一定比清清楚楚的
还要难受

简简单单的轻轻松松的
一定比充充实实的
来得单调

自己也搞不清状况了
在邯郸学步啊
学什么学了什么
连自己会什么
都得问啊什么了

我会走路么
我还能跑么
忘了怎走，还能学跑么

我
会走路么

写字

2006-12-28T06:35:00.000+08:00

拼

2006-12-18T10:27:00.000+08:00

啊～！！！

要拼就顾不得太多了
还好我从来都不照顾自己健康

鼓励

2006-12-13T01:05:00.000+08:00

清不完的清单，做不完的作业
但充实不是无端的忙碌
我忙，因为我觉得盲

忙碌和充实本就是两回事
充实不需要说出口
周遭也是感受到的

忙碌常挂嘴边
一种最直接的内心表现
不是刻意说的
只是一直深切感受到的
毫无缘由的
盲忙

忙使人盲，盲了就茫
茫了使人胡思
乱想后就忘了自己
忘了时间地点
更忘了初衷

所以得常常提醒
自己要常抹眼镜
看清楚了才能给予
自己持久的鼓励

鼓励自己，如何？

你不需要知道吧。
我（暂且）会顶住的。

[Quiz] EQ & SQ Test

2006-12-07T02:42:00.000+08:00

Well-balanced. Just as I thought.
But I thought my EQ would be slightly higher than my SQ.

Here are your EQ SQ results:

EQ: 50

SQ: 57

The important factor to consider is not your absolute score, but the difference between the two.
This indicates whether you have more natural ability as an Empathizer or a Systemizer. If your
scores are about the same for your EQ and SQ, then you have well balanced empathizing-systemizing
capabilities.

Take the EQ SQ tests

Don't Think

2006-12-05T12:13:00.000+08:00

When you think feel lost, when you think you have made a mistake
when you think you don't know what to do

Then don't think.

Because sometimes
we aren't supposed to think too much.

You get what I mean?

Or you'll end up being like me.

一心二用

2006-11-27T08:25:00.000+08:00

你总是喜欢在同一时间内做几件事情吧
最后哪一样都做不好
也许不算不好啦，只是如果只选一件事情来做
你是知道你可以做得更好的
明白吗？

你只是贪心了些
还是按部就班地完成事情吧

他可乐

2006-11-20T17:15:00.000+08:00

为何为他三心两意
为何对他存有少许的歉意
而想脱轨的心
为何又蠢蠢示意

他们对事的定义不一
没有太多共编的回忆
也没太多共同的经历
只是有种莫名的爱意

最后
还是他的可乐·水定理
（算是）解决了
之间的关系
与情意

明白了。贴切的。
亲爱的。
他。

含糊（二）

2006-10-18T13:55:00.000+08:00

6
故此头痛开始频了
梦也越来越多
觉也睡的越来越久
精神却越来越累
我的挣扎
听不到看不见
自己也没发觉

7
为何他们的事一直都关我的事
为何她的事也一直都关着我的事
我如此觉得
为何我选择做我所认为的事时
不做却又觉得是自己的错
明明就不关我的事
为何不管还要觉得痛苦
为何我总要与这些人有牵连

其实只是自己太失败
解决不了问题

8
我想做的事
突然间变得不清楚了
人
变得很可怕
信任始终是一个自杀自残
的武器，无声无息地

9
发觉自己的基本能力都渐失去了
最基本的曾经会的
都不会了
亦或是我从不曾懂事过
从不曾“会”过

10
我
什么都不会（了？）
什么。

I don't know

2006-10-16T14:34:00.000+08:00

3 years. 6 years. And another 6 years.
Not very much of regrets.
Underwent a lot of changes.
And now my following 4 years.

Something that I hoped for
Somewhere that I want to be
When I'm trying hard to get there
I know I do not have the determination
And I wonder
Are these really the things that I wanted?

"Is this the life that you wanted?"
Your question struck into my head

I stretched out my arms, waving frantically
I don't know where to hold
I don't even know where to go

Why didn't I thought about going straight to my dreams
Perhaps I'm never brave enough
But why do I have the courage to stand where I'm standing now

I couldn't see the end to my situation
Perhaps it is not something that could be reached by me
I do not have what it takes
I do not feel the same as everybody else
(who's walking on the same path)

I couldn't fit in.

Or... is it that I haven't fit it?
No. I see the glass as half empty.
Sometimes I don't even know who I am.
As in, I don't know the person that I should be
which is the real me and which is not
I couldn't diferentiate
I don't know

For the first time,
the feeling is so strong, I can feel it almost everytime I breathe
(I feel like an Otome who don't know why did she attend Galderobe in the first place. )

Having too many destinations is not a very good thing
Because you'll get lost in the junctions.
But the only thing I can do is smile :)

含糊（一）

2006-10-12T12:29:00.000+08:00

1
又跟她吵了
离开现场心很难受
难受得眼泪也被掐出来了

她也很难受吧
我只是不想做我认为是
份外的事

2
为何我总是离不开
中间地带
我
极端不起来
偏激不起来

3
心理测验结果：
显示作答者幼儿时期曾受过权威式教育。
可能幼时受到长辈严格的教育，多次自己想做某些事却被人禁止的经验。因此有「实现自己的愿望是件不好的事」的潜在心理，
这类人经常会隐藏自己真正所要和所想的事。

4
我习惯
责怪自己
可是不责备自己
我真的找不到该负责的人了
都是自己不好
不可以太自私
不可以不负责任
不可以做坏孩子

5
可是我不是个好孩子
也不是个坏孩子
因为坏不起来
也许被铸造成好孩子模型了
只是与我本质相冲
很痛苦我不懂怎么脱离这
好孩子的枷锁

冷么

2006-09-29T17:37:00.000+08:00

（相关：雪中送炭〕

虽有了木炭
我还是需要它的持续燃烧
因为没有火
我还是会觉得冷。

常自己点燃木炭
久了还是会觉得寂寞。

我比谁都在乎这些炭
因为我比任何人都来得敏感
我会作比较，我会找理由
我会一个人失落
我会瑟缩在墙角
一个人哆嗦打喷嚏

再一副没事发生地
呈现在你面前。

这些多余的情绪
我都有了。
一生下来就具有的本能
只能静静地感受

深夜一个人在角落静静地感受。

So Sick

2006-09-13T12:29:00.000+08:00

I'm so sick of tiredness, so tired of sickness.
Guess this is the first time I ever regretted doing something.
So hard to self-motivate, I still remember my senior's words:

you'll need a lot of self-motivation.

I'm trying. Trying hard, I can't even balance my own self, so don't ask me how I balance my studies and 'it'.
I'll never do anything right and fast.
They compare. They compare!
I'll never be as good as the previous one.
I said, never.
(You aren't that good too. But did I say anything harsh to you?)

It hurts, honestly.
I don't want to remember but it stays itself.
I don't hate you, I'm just scared.

I feel so... lost.
Found back pieces of me, but time doesn't allow to have more of it
to find back the rest.

Because time doesn't wait.
I'll never have enough time to catch up with the pace.
I'll never meet your expectations.

And perhaps, I'm not quitting for the short future.
Because it is against my style.
And I guess this is all I have to say.

(...Craving for more time...)

答案

2006-09-10T02:25:00.000+08:00

结论:
自己辛苦累积下来的定律
原来已在不知不觉中
一点一点地失去
导致自己操作故障。

不想见谁只想
回到自己的那一口井
我想一个人

静一静

寻觅
关于空虚的事
好久了

不是逃避
是我的方式

每天
空虚地敷衍生活
无端的忙碌
忙碌地盲目
衍生莫名的空虚

当自己完全不是自己的时候
是可怕的。

静下来发现
原来乱了的
是我的

规律。

有些步骤
是绝对不能够跳过的
是谁、是什么、从何开始
让我不知不觉地放弃了
我的所有的不可缺
不再留时间给自己

因此
我恳切需要自己的时间
整理出那些遗失的步骤。

A Talk with My Hand.

2006-09-05T13:49:00.000+08:00

Never... an English post?
The same reason I gave for myself - I'm never good in expressing my inner confused thoughts in English. But still, I want to try.

I'm still confused. You thought you are very clear about what you want in life, but in the end, it never is clear, it's still blurry. This is not something new - Some of my thoughts never really changed, just like this one. I had a chinese phrase about this thought, in schizophrenia.

The path often remains unsure, for the reality you thought is real is actually an illusion. But still, I want to try. I don't know what faith or belief I'm holding to, I really don't know.

I walked, I fell, I ran, I tripped, I was even slapped, I screamed and I'm still bleeding. Bleeding and standing up. Because I know I need to stand up. I sulked and got into depression. Still, I know I have to stand up and face the pain. There's no way to stop my tears from flowing, but please let me have that time alone, and I will stand up again.

Perhaps, I'm afraid of things going too smoothly, perfection seems so impossible. I always expect the worst, that's why some said that I'm a pessimist. But this is what I considered optimistic is, I expect the worst, so when the situation really gets worse, I'll be prepared for all that.

Pushing myself as hard as I could, I know I'm still not good enough, I don't want to be left behind. The insecure feeling is always there, something that I'll never get rid of it, I can't treat myself better when I couldn't do a thing that I'm satisfied. I just can't spoil myself like that. I can't... because I'm always not good enough, never better. Perhaps it's a kind of self-torture, forcing myself to feel.

I'm scared, I'm terrified.
It didn't change.
I went upstairs, but because it's me, something will always remain.
(I'm also confused about my feelings, whether I should feel glad or sad for all this.)

Thanks for listening, hand.
(Quote: Talk to the hand, because the ear's not listening.)

不置疑

2006-08-23T05:20:00.000+08:00

当我在这里的时候
你会否知道
我在这里的原因
我断定
你不知道
所以我感伤；

我也不会去想
你在这里的原因
因为你根本就不会
在这里
所以我继续感伤。

因此
我从未期盼
谁为我而存在
而停留而继续行走；

因此
我继续相信我自己
也不让谁期盼我
为他而存在
而停留而继续生活。

不让自己受骗受伤
就是不沉迷与他人的惑言

不置疑自己的信念。
一个人走，是对的。

困在喜悦背后

2006-08-14T11:52:00.000+08:00

（摇晃的脚步心情的浮沉
轻浮的快乐哀叹的浓稠
身体不听话身心不协调
无力感累积到底怎么了）

要做一份正面感觉(positive feeling)的功课
我的主题是成长，给讲师检阅

“怎么整幅图那么伤感啊？”

喜悦的感觉如此飘渺
自我稍微懂事
稍微懂得一点有条理的涂鸦之后
似乎没有画过
所谓的正面感觉

怎么表达？
真难的功课。

我不懂得表达我曾感受过的喜悦
总是没有办法表达单纯的喜悦

因为我总认为喜悦的背后是沉重的
伤悲。
而我总是容易沉溺在那里。

压迫感

2006-07-31T19:28:00.000+08:00

啊～

给我一个发泄的空间
倒不如你给我一段休息的时间

我－－

（接不下去了。）

- 呼吸困难 -

白茫茫的

2006-07-29T22:30:00.000+08:00

（以为自己长大了，变强了
在众人面前，不哭了
什么心得分享会，心事交流会
我都不会说着说着就哭了
真的不会了
真的没有酱子哭过了
还有很多人，其实比自己更易哭
我其实很好了，很厉害了喔
我说服着自己。）

那夜里一个人
躺在床上
就
很想哭

当听见另一端
你的声音
我哭了。

即使没说什么
我就莫名其妙地哭了
控制不了，止不了。

“…不要哭啦。”
“…请你让我哭…好吗？就让我好好哭…”

好像很久没哭了。
我也只有满脑的疑惑。

“其实原因，只有你自己知道。
“近来，我感觉不到平日的你。”

“…不要说了。我眼泪流不停呢，不应该躺在床上的。”

“我觉得你很不开心。
“…真的？”

“你知道你要的是什么吗？”
“我知道啊。”

“不要逃避，回答我。”

想了许久。
其实只是一时答不上话
到底这些是不是我真正要的
我只能保持一会儿的沉默
大概整理了一些什么

我回答了。
肯定中隐藏着的懦弱
我还是掩饰不住。

怎么了
怎么又被他打败了

“哭，是人类最基本的情绪，这是你潜意识的抗议。”

眼泪背叛了
还是被
逼出了几个字

“……我……我…很辛苦…”

“这才是你心底的话，你一直极力否认存在的情绪。

“不要一直虐待自己，好吗？”
“我只是想帮你弄清你自己的状况而已。”

到底一路走来
我是真的领悟了
还是把自己的双眼
给插盲了

也许我不该想，哪一个才是真的
也许我是被你迷惑了，洗脑了
我魂
继续游在没有尽头的
忙盲脑海里
白茫茫的一片。

这三个人

2006-07-25T15:18:00.000+08:00

现在的：

甲人在远方
虽然他知道她不会出现但他仍快乐地期待着只能说谢谢你啊
乙人在身边
虽然我不懂他怎么想但我也不会说一些什么暂且就这样吧
丙人在心里
虽然他一直都无所谓但我仍觉得亏欠他只能对他肯定一些事
（如：忙碌而衍生的冷漠并不代表我心的转移）

之前的：

戊人是第一个
虽然你觉得不成功但后来我觉得你会成功的只是忘了要继续
已人是第二角
虽然看起来你比我行但我知道胜利的还是我我比你勇敢
庚人是旁观者
虽然一直想换角色但都没那个能力毅力始终必须请你下台

现在的这三个人
和之前的三个人
各有不同
却又那么地相似

人就是这样
人的事也就是这样
也就是这样
人的事才是有趣的事

Once Broken, Considered Gone

2006-07-17T02:20:00.000+08:00

He thought it was perfect
his excuse

He thought he completed his task
of being a good leader
And did more than a good leader would do

But he was wrong
and he know nothing about it.

He had already broke his image
and now what he just did is only like
Cracking and cracking the
tiny piece of his image

that is (barely any) left.

[Trust : Once break, considered gone.]

醉猫

2006-07-12T18:13:00.000+08:00

那晚
麻布蜕为丝绸，沙石褪为流水
（喵呜）连倔强也颓为娇弱

随后
杂草散发香薰，尘土化为星星
（喵呜）的犹豫凝为坚定

人、时、地
什么都恰好
让
天堂落到了人间

那晚在那里（喵呜）

有一只
醉倒在你怀里
的猫

（流水像丝绸般轻抚着猫，猫娇媚柔弱地喵呜，闻着草香，猫轻声说“绝不后悔”，那晚星星很亮。）

变不了

2006-06-30T05:10:00.000+08:00

其实都一样，人啊。
总是很努力地去接触身边的人，透过不同的方式
只有一种方式
能够把一个人看得清清楚楚。

也就是我一直以来在做的事。

人还是一样。
无可否认小惊喜仍层出不穷
偶尔来一个大惊喜。
但让人失望伤心的
也都还在。没有变。
没有变。

我也还是为着人的事而闭上眼睛
轻抚着被刺过的旧伤痕。
隐隐作痛。

没有变。

复杂的事

2006-06-28T01:22:00.000+08:00

刚才的决堤
可能是情绪太集中了。
我的情绪很复杂
因为我自己都不明白。

刚才边哭边想。
还是不明白。
也许不负责任的人像大便
踩到大便，谁会开心呢

也许被抛下是件难受的事
放飞机的人不觉得什么
被放的人才伤。

我心没伤。
其实是够硬的了
铁做的
不过会传热，别人泼的冷水
很烫，常被烙伤。

现在
哭完了，就不想了。

Prologue

2006-06-16T00:31:00.000+08:00

Hello
Saying it to myself in the mirror
Forced a tired smile, I know I'm home.

Went out to breathe the air outside
And had the wind to play
hide and seek.

1, 2, 3...

Some of me were found easily
But some were lost, lost and not found
And gone with the wind

Thus I went home, without feeling incomplete
Just a little tired, I need a rest on my bed
with my loyal bolsters

Had to walk past the long, dusty corridors
(Perhaps something is still hiding there)
Because my room is upstairs.