冷么

（相关：雪中送炭〕

虽有了木炭
我还是需要它的持续燃烧
因为没有火
我还是会觉得冷。

常自己点燃木炭
久了还是会觉得寂寞。

我比谁都在乎这些炭
因为我比任何人都来得敏感
我会作比较，我会找理由
我会一个人失落
我会瑟缩在墙角
一个人哆嗦打喷嚏

再一副没事发生地
呈现在你面前。

这些多余的情绪
我都有了。
一生下来就具有的本能
只能静静地感受

深夜一个人在角落静静地感受。

So Sick

I'm so sick of tiredness, so tired of sickness.
Guess this is the first time I ever regretted doing something.
So hard to self-motivate, I still remember my senior's words:

you'll need a lot of self-motivation.

I'm trying. Trying hard, I can't even balance my own self, so don't ask me how I balance my studies and 'it'.
I'll never do anything right and fast.
They compare. They compare!
I'll never be as good as the previous one.
I said, never.
(You aren't that good too. But did I say anything harsh to you?)

It hurts, honestly.
I don't want to remember but it stays itself.
I don't hate you, I'm just scared.

I feel so... lost.
Found back pieces of me, but time doesn't allow to have more of it
to find back the rest.

Because time doesn't wait.
I'll never have enough time to catch up with the pace.
I'll never meet your expectations.

And perhaps, I'm not quitting for the short future.
Because it is against my style.
And I guess this is all I have to say.

(...Craving for more time...)

答案

结论:
自己辛苦累积下来的定律
原来已在不知不觉中
一点一点地失去
导致自己操作故障。


不想见谁只想
回到自己的那一口井
我想一个人

静一静

寻觅
关于空虚的事
好久了

不是逃避
是我的方式

每天
空虚地敷衍生活
无端的忙碌
忙碌地盲目
衍生莫名的空虚

当自己完全不是自己的时候
是可怕的。

静下来发现
原来乱了的
是我的

规律。

有些步骤
是绝对不能够跳过的
是谁、是什么、从何开始
让我不知不觉地放弃了
我的所有的不可缺
不再留时间给自己

因此
我恳切需要自己的时间
整理出那些遗失的步骤。

A Talk with My Hand.

Never... an English post?
The same reason I gave for myself - I'm never good in expressing my inner confused thoughts in English. But still, I want to try.

I'm still confused. You thought you are very clear about what you want in life, but in the end, it never is clear, it's still blurry. This is not something new - Some of my thoughts never really changed, just like this one. I had a chinese phrase about this thought, in schizophrenia.

The path often remains unsure, for the reality you thought is real is actually an illusion. But still, I want to try. I don't know what faith or belief I'm holding to, I really don't know.

I walked, I fell, I ran, I tripped, I was even slapped, I screamed and I'm still bleeding. Bleeding and standing up. Because I know I need to stand up. I sulked and got into depression. Still, I know I have to stand up and face the pain. There's no way to stop my tears from flowing, but please let me have that time alone, and I will stand up again.

Perhaps, I'm afraid of things going too smoothly, perfection seems so impossible. I always expect the worst, that's why some said that I'm a pessimist. But this is what I considered optimistic is, I expect the worst, so when the situation really gets worse, I'll be prepared for all that.

Pushing myself as hard as I could, I know I'm still not good enough, I don't want to be left behind. The insecure feeling is always there, something that I'll never get rid of it, I can't treat myself better when I couldn't do a thing that I'm satisfied. I just can't spoil myself like that. I can't... because I'm always not good enough, never better. Perhaps it's a kind of self-torture, forcing myself to feel.

I'm scared, I'm terrified.
It didn't change.
I went upstairs, but because it's me, something will always remain.
(I'm also confused about my feelings, whether I should feel glad or sad for all this.)

Thanks for listening, hand.
(Quote: Talk to the hand, because the ear's not listening.)