A Talk with My Hand.

Never... an English post?
The same reason I gave for myself - I'm never good in expressing my inner confused thoughts in English. But still, I want to try.

I'm still confused. You thought you are very clear about what you want in life, but in the end, it never is clear, it's still blurry. This is not something new - Some of my thoughts never really changed, just like this one. I had a chinese phrase about this thought, in schizophrenia.

The path often remains unsure, for the reality you thought is real is actually an illusion. But still, I want to try. I don't know what faith or belief I'm holding to, I really don't know.

I walked, I fell, I ran, I tripped, I was even slapped, I screamed and I'm still bleeding. Bleeding and standing up. Because I know I need to stand up. I sulked and got into depression. Still, I know I have to stand up and face the pain. There's no way to stop my tears from flowing, but please let me have that time alone, and I will stand up again.

Perhaps, I'm afraid of things going too smoothly, perfection seems so impossible. I always expect the worst, that's why some said that I'm a pessimist. But this is what I considered optimistic is, I expect the worst, so when the situation really gets worse, I'll be prepared for all that.

Pushing myself as hard as I could, I know I'm still not good enough, I don't want to be left behind. The insecure feeling is always there, something that I'll never get rid of it, I can't treat myself better when I couldn't do a thing that I'm satisfied. I just can't spoil myself like that. I can't... because I'm always not good enough, never better. Perhaps it's a kind of self-torture, forcing myself to feel.

I'm scared, I'm terrified.
It didn't change.
I went upstairs, but because it's me, something will always remain.
(I'm also confused about my feelings, whether I should feel glad or sad for all this.)

Thanks for listening, hand.
(Quote: Talk to the hand, because the ear's not listening.)