[Deah/阿优] Self-Discovery (SeDi) Final Report

My Original September.

Been feeling relieved gradually, but not as much of a surprise. Certain things still lags around. Hmm. But it doesn't harm that much.

1. Damage reduction and path-smoothing process. - 70%
   
2. Development and advancement. - 60%
   
3. Fresh and peaceful. - 90%
   
4. Joy and God. - 90%
   
5. Orderly. - 30%
   
6. Fire-lilied. - 50%

Been acting a lot milder and has been easily influenced.
Been feeling busy and empty. Been keeping quiet to myself but it doesn't help anymore.
Am not comfortable with this situation. Seriously.

Some discovery?

Yes.
I have been losing my identity. Little by little.
The causes? Various and drastic happenings before and after.

I finally admit my sickness.
No blaming, nor looking back.
I finally admitted it.

If only I were myself again.
I hope you know the me, my love.

I just need to recover.
Recover.

[Deah/阿优] SeDi: Progress Check 2

Some (forgotten) discoveries.

独立与个人主义应该是不同的。
也许心底最深处需要的，是一个扶持。
这辅助的能力，不一定全然是一种依靠，不一定是所谓的懦弱。
需要辅助，因为那个体不完整。
如果我说，他是适合填补那一个空缺的他
个体是否就完整了。

也许已不需要自我平衡——两个极端。
作用力和反作用力，牛顿第三运动定律(Newton's Third Law of Motion)。
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
两个人的相处，莫过于如此。Forces always come in pairs. 一正一负相同大小的力量，就是达到平衡的条件。

信仰，莫过于是坚定不渝的相信，且是相信自己。
一颗冰冷的心，仍无时会被偶然唤起被隐藏的感动。

李家同老师为11楼（Han, Sang-bok著）写的序，大意是这样的：
“爱与希望同在。”
“忙碌是为了有更好的明天，但是为什么很多人还是不快乐。”
“人每次在追求人生的意义，但为何舍近求远； 其实爱就在身旁，看看身边的亲人，爱人及朋友，想想曾经让你感动的事。”


Progress check 2 of SeDi

1. Damage reduction and path-smoothing process. - 20% (1st check) > 65%
   
2. Development and advancement. - 30% (1st check) > 70%
   
3. Fresh and peaceful. - 80% (1st check) > 80%
   
4. Joy and God. - 60% (1st check) > 85%
   
5. Orderly. - 10% (1st check) > 15%
   
6. Fire-lilied. - 50% (1st check) > 65%
   

1. Somehow the time helped me to go through this process. Still can be improved. And also there is some kind of sequela after that too.
2. Yeah. And I was reassured about this.
3. Feeling better. But tired. Ups and downs in this part.
4. Never accept blindly. I know what I need.
5. Need to work harder.
6. The flower's evolving. Hope it will be stronger and more charming.

[Deah/阿优] Positivity

Never like the idea of piling up tasks, because I never know how to complete them by focusing one at the time. Because I see all the things I have as one. Somehow this weakness of mine always reminds me of him. It is not that I'm unaware of this, but sometimes this is what differentiates me from you. This is how you made your decisions until today and this is how I walk my paths until now.

My life has once drastically switched to a messy routine since 4 years ago. During the years, perhaps I was too bloated, perhaps I wasn't aware of my own needs, perhaps Ｉ thought things will always be better if it was done alone, perhaps many perhaps, I keep losing my own battles and setting new records for my own failures.

I couldn't get out of my own trap.

Being selfless doesn't necessarily has to be neglecting own needs. Putting own needs as the first priority doesn't necessarily means being selfish. What are needs? A friend of mine reminded me that people suffer because they couldn't fulfill their needs. I have referred to this site to learn more about 'needs'.

Had once I completely lost faith to the term 'friends' or 'companions'. Perhaps the effects were still on me for quite a long time. It always ends up in disappointment when I have placed trust onto someone. But perhaps if I keep on trusting them, miracles might happen. Trust is crucial and good companions are treasures.

Thank you all my friends for staying by my side, although I'm not good in keeping close contact with people. Thank you for keeping me sane.

Of course I need to thank you for walking into my life again.

Thank God for everything that I've gone through, brought important people into my life, and never giving up on me.

[Deah/阿优] SeDi: Progress Check 1

End of March. Today, the beginning of May.

Let me do some (random) progress check of SeDi.

1. Damage reduction and path-smoothing process. - 20%
2. Development and advancement. - 30%
   
3. Fresh and peaceful. - 80%
   
4. Joy and God. - 60%
   
5. Orderly. - 10%
   
6. Fire-lilied. - 50%
   

1. Some paths has been smoothen, but there is something there that couldn't be reduced.
2. Have some advancement in other matters I think.
3. Feeling them most of the time.
4. Same as above.
5. There is some kind of order, but not the order that I planned to have.
6. Installation complete. Initializing stage.

Have never felt so desperate for joy and fun and solitude.
Can't wait for the arrival of My Original September.

(And I had a happy Labour Day.)

[Tac/阿坦] Toilet Coupons

Went to Taman Tasik Titiwangsa, Kuala Lumpur.
I need a go, so I paid 20 cents to use the public toilet (just like most of the places in KL).
And I got a toilet coupon, or a toilet receipt.
It's in Malay, I translated them (almost literally) into English.
Do tell me if you have better translation suggestions.


(Front)

PUBLIC TOILET
PARK CULTURE & CITY CLEANLINESS CONTROL DIVISION

FOR TOILET USE ONLY
20 CENTS No. D 839568


(Back)

TOILET FACILITY

TIME OPEN: 7.00 am - 7.00 pm
PAYMENT RATE: 20 CENTS FOR TOILET USE ONLY

USAGE RULES:

1. NO FOOD AND DRINKS ALLOWED IN THIS BUILDING.
2. TAKE CARE OF THE CLEANLINESS OF THIS AREA OF THE FACILITY. THROW RUBBISH INTO THE BIN PROVIDED.
3. DO NOT MAKE NOISE. TAKE CARE OF THE PUBLIC HARMONY IN THIS AREA.
4. USE THE PROVIDED FACILITY AS FAST AS YOU CAN SO THAT OTHERS CAN USE THE FACILITY AS WELL.
5. USE THE PROVIDED FACILITY WITH CARE. DO NOT DESTROY ANY THINGS AND THE FACILITIES PROVIDED.
6. THE DBKL MANAGEMENT WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURY OR ANY LOSS OF PERSONAL BELONGING.

UNDER THE ORDER OF THE
CITY MAYOR
KUALA LUMPUR

JD105609-PNMB.,-K.L.


I wonder if anyone really do read all of these before they go for their business in the toilet. We are so uncivilized that we eat and drink and make noise and stay overnight in the cubicle. Or else, they wouldn't be making these rules huh.

And I find it bloody hell interesting to share with you. :)

[Deah/阿优] SeDi: My Original September

Of SeDi (Self Discovery) Project.

Objective: My Original September.
To be more precise, the title would be My Original Mid-September.

my (adj.)
The possessive form of I, used as a modifier before a noun.

o·rig·i·nal (adj.)
a. Not derived from something else; fresh and unusual.
b. Showing a marked departure from previous practice; new.

Sep·tem·ber (n.)
The ninth month of the year in the Gregorian calendar, the month following August and preceding October.

Descriptions:

1. Damage reduction and path-smoothing process.
   
2. Development and advancement.
3. Fresh and peaceful.
   
4. Joy and God.
   
5. Orderly.
6. Fire-lilied.

Starting from end of March until mid September. I'll see if this work.
I am smiling.

[Rahet/阿丑] 拾遗

Perhaps it's one of the first steps of SeDi project (which is initiated by Deah), so I added a SeDi label too.

Click on the image for a clearer view of this step contributed by Rahet.



There is still a lonngg way till My Original September.
Hmm. Distant.

Anyway, I like Fire Lilies (火百合).

[Deah/阿优] Introduction to Self-Discovery (SeDi)

Something made me happy today.
(I believed that caffeine had a certain effect on this too.)

Problem 1:

Things go really wrong when you mess with your Windows system files, and having worms and viruses in your system. What to do?

Solution 1:

1. Identify the errors and the corrupted files.
2. Clean the viruses or broken files, get the appropriate system files (compatible with the OS you're using) back.
3. If it still doesn't work, try formatting your computer/hard disk drives.
4. Then get a good anti-virus software; do not carelessly open any unknown applications, and back-up your files before modifying or replacing it.

Problem 2:

I'm corrupted.

Solution 2:

1. I tried to look for the broken files, and the cause of having it corrupted.
2. I tried many ways to clean it, but it didn't really work out.
3. I couldn't just shut myself off and reformat myself, I have nowhere to move my data (I've got only one hard disk drive, no partitions).
4. Lastly, I figured out something. I think I know my own operating system better already.
5. I need an on-going project to keep everything running smoothly, and in my way.

6. I named this project Self-Discovery Project, SeDi in short.

[Deah/阿优] Winter

(Inspired by the song Winter, by Tori Amos)

I can make ice out of my mouth in this winter.
But I really wish I could breathe out all the ice in my heart out in this winter.

I have never watched the snow falling and have never sung in the winter.
I don't know how winter look like.
But I think I know how it feels.

The wind gets stronger
My legs get weaker.
I look back, I couldn't find any footprints.
Not even my previous traits.
No any proper paths behind and in front of me.

I have the urge to take the road not taken
Instead of blindly walking forward
But it is so cold
I'm trembling.

It feels like forever.

When will the winter melt?
Father, I'm very lost.
When will the winter melt?

[Rahet/阿丑] 崩溃2 / Break Down 2

Click for the first Break Down in Schizophrenia.

This was written on February 3rd and 4th, but posted on the date as shown.
Click on the images for larger preview.
(If you have the patience and time to read them.)






Thank you and have a nice day.

Pure Joy

I love you, my Holy Father in Heaven.

Reply

(Comment for Sharon's Blog)

Ying, I'm glad that I came over to your blog. I have never know what to talk to you, I've tried to start up a conversation that I wanted, but I always get a feedback that doesn't meet my expectation, and I ran out of ways. I do not understand you, and I'm never good at understanding people.

It is not only you that felt this way. Masks...what are they made for? To hide themselves, it is a self-defence mechanism of everyone. Have you tried putting yourself in our shoes? Don't we feel the same from you?

I felt that you're always untrue to me. I couldn't open your heart if you didn't intend to open up to let me in. I care, but I don't know how to tell you. I'm not as strong, they are a lot of things that I don't know as well. I need someone to be there, at the same line with me, but I do not know how to make this clear to you. I tried talking to you about my problems, I did tried to start a more personal conversation with you, but...either you didnt notice, or you don't want to tell. I'm one who need interactions. If I took the first step, and I didn't see you walking one step forward, I'll give up taking another step to you. It's my nature.

------

I used to do things by myself, but since you're my partner...I really wish I could really get help from you. But I couldn't 'fang xin' everytime to let you do your part, because there are always last minute 'interruptions'. Do I not feel disappointed as well? I know that I'm not a good partner to you or a good friend, I am a failure, I couldn't even get my partner and clarify her job tasks and what we need to work together, I couldn't take good care of her.

I couldn't enjoy in my holidays too. Calls, Sms-es, emails, related to the club. So what if I have CLS-phobia? I still have to face it, because it is my decision to get into high comm. There is no turning back. It is tough to do something that I don't understand, and it is even harder to tell something that I don't 100% understand to you and to others. That is why I often ask you... what makes you join the election in the first place? If you don't have the answer, take it as a path... that God has chosen for you (or a fate, perhaps it is easier to understand). He has his reasons for doing so - because he believed that we can overcome it, and He just wanted His children to be a better person by taking this bumpy road, and he brought us together.

Everytime we tell ourselves to be tough and strong, but are we really doing that? I know there is always people who mentally support me, but always the last important step, is to be taken by me. No matter how many people are supporting me, when I don't want to do it, everything ends.

You might just need a reason to go on. I need one too. I couldn't sleep well every night, I cried and I screamed. A lot of internal conflicts, a lot of thoughts. Aren't we all the same? I have a partner, but I couldn't feel her. What is the difference of doing all the thinking and working alone? Am I not lonely like you?

You get lost because you don't understand the situation. You don't know where you are and what you need. Trust me, I don't know too. A lot of critics by the seniors, a lot of mistakes, being blamed and being accused of a lot of my mistakes and inefficiency. Do you know all these? Do you know how hard I feel everyday? I wanted to share with you but I couldn't, because I didn't feel you. I'm scared of you, I don't know what to do with you. But you're here by my side, it's just that I couldn't feel you. And problems are like raindrops keep falling on me.

I tried hard to get out of this depression. Not even me, I think Jacky felt the same way too. When anything goes wrong, the blames go to him first. And he had to take up the burden of carrying us all, he doesn't even have the time to feel depressed. I don't want him to think of me as a burden. I often felt this way. I don't want to be anyone's burden.

But you know you have to get out of this depression, and I know you can.

You just need a reason to go on. When you know what you want, always remind yourself of that, because people are forgetful. If you didn't keep reminding yourself, you will get lost. Like I did, and I might still am lost. But I hope that at least I still have your hands to hold when I am lost.

Feel the strength that comes from our inner heart, dig it out to overcome our weakness. Both of us need to courage to face our problems.

Please, come back. Give me a chance to know you, let me know how you're supposed to be.

[Quiz] EQ & SQ Test

Well-balanced. Just as I thought.
But I thought my EQ would be slightly higher than my SQ.

Here are your EQ SQ results:


EQ: 50

SQ: 57

The important factor to consider is not your absolute score, but the difference between the two.
This indicates whether you have more natural ability as an Empathizer or a Systemizer. If your
scores are about the same for your EQ and SQ, then you have well balanced empathizing-systemizing
capabilities.

Take the EQ SQ tests

Don't Think

When you think feel lost, when you think you have made a mistake
when you think you don't know what to do

Then don't think.

Because sometimes
we aren't supposed to think too much.

You get what I mean?

Or you'll end up being like me.

I don't know

3 years. 6 years. And another 6 years.
Not very much of regrets.
Underwent a lot of changes.
And now my following 4 years.

Something that I hoped for
Somewhere that I want to be
When I'm trying hard to get there
I know I do not have the determination
And I wonder
Are these really the things that I wanted?

"Is this the life that you wanted?"
Your question struck into my head

I stretched out my arms, waving frantically
I don't know where to hold
I don't even know where to go

Why didn't I thought about going straight to my dreams
Perhaps I'm never brave enough
But why do I have the courage to stand where I'm standing now

I couldn't see the end to my situation
Perhaps it is not something that could be reached by me
I do not have what it takes
I do not feel the same as everybody else
(who's walking on the same path)

I couldn't fit in.

Or... is it that I haven't fit it?
No. I see the glass as half empty.
Sometimes I don't even know who I am.
As in, I don't know the person that I should be
which is the real me and which is not
I couldn't diferentiate
I don't know

For the first time,
the feeling is so strong, I can feel it almost everytime I breathe
(I feel like an Otome who don't know why did she attend Galderobe in the first place. )

Having too many destinations is not a very good thing
Because you'll get lost in the junctions.
But the only thing I can do is smile :)

So Sick

I'm so sick of tiredness, so tired of sickness.
Guess this is the first time I ever regretted doing something.
So hard to self-motivate, I still remember my senior's words:

you'll need a lot of self-motivation.

I'm trying. Trying hard, I can't even balance my own self, so don't ask me how I balance my studies and 'it'.
I'll never do anything right and fast.
They compare. They compare!
I'll never be as good as the previous one.
I said, never.
(You aren't that good too. But did I say anything harsh to you?)

It hurts, honestly.
I don't want to remember but it stays itself.
I don't hate you, I'm just scared.

I feel so... lost.
Found back pieces of me, but time doesn't allow to have more of it
to find back the rest.

Because time doesn't wait.
I'll never have enough time to catch up with the pace.
I'll never meet your expectations.

And perhaps, I'm not quitting for the short future.
Because it is against my style.
And I guess this is all I have to say.

(...Craving for more time...)

A Talk with My Hand.

Never... an English post?
The same reason I gave for myself - I'm never good in expressing my inner confused thoughts in English. But still, I want to try.

I'm still confused. You thought you are very clear about what you want in life, but in the end, it never is clear, it's still blurry. This is not something new - Some of my thoughts never really changed, just like this one. I had a chinese phrase about this thought, in schizophrenia.

The path often remains unsure, for the reality you thought is real is actually an illusion. But still, I want to try. I don't know what faith or belief I'm holding to, I really don't know.

I walked, I fell, I ran, I tripped, I was even slapped, I screamed and I'm still bleeding. Bleeding and standing up. Because I know I need to stand up. I sulked and got into depression. Still, I know I have to stand up and face the pain. There's no way to stop my tears from flowing, but please let me have that time alone, and I will stand up again.

Perhaps, I'm afraid of things going too smoothly, perfection seems so impossible. I always expect the worst, that's why some said that I'm a pessimist. But this is what I considered optimistic is, I expect the worst, so when the situation really gets worse, I'll be prepared for all that.

Pushing myself as hard as I could, I know I'm still not good enough, I don't want to be left behind. The insecure feeling is always there, something that I'll never get rid of it, I can't treat myself better when I couldn't do a thing that I'm satisfied. I just can't spoil myself like that. I can't... because I'm always not good enough, never better. Perhaps it's a kind of self-torture, forcing myself to feel.

I'm scared, I'm terrified.
It didn't change.
I went upstairs, but because it's me, something will always remain.
(I'm also confused about my feelings, whether I should feel glad or sad for all this.)

Thanks for listening, hand.
(Quote: Talk to the hand, because the ear's not listening.)

Once Broken, Considered Gone

He thought it was perfect
his excuse

He thought he completed his task
of being a good leader
And did more than a good leader would do

But he was wrong
and he know nothing about it.

He had already broke his image
and now what he just did is only like
Cracking and cracking the
tiny piece of his image

that is (barely any) left.


[Trust : Once break, considered gone.]

Prologue

Hello
Saying it to myself in the mirror
Forced a tired smile, I know I'm home.

Went out to breathe the air outside
And had the wind to play
hide and seek.

1, 2, 3...

Some of me were found easily
But some were lost, lost and not found
And gone with the wind

Thus I went home, without feeling incomplete
Just a little tired, I need a rest on my bed
with my loyal bolsters

Had to walk past the long, dusty corridors
(Perhaps something is still hiding there)
Because my room is upstairs.