Pure Joy

I love you, my Holy Father in Heaven.

怪

狼来了的故事没听过么？

生活里没有undo键
做错的事没有办法改对
说错的话没有办法收回
复合的伤口没有办法不留伤痕

剩下的选项只有
接受、补救、后悔、遗憾、叹气

剩下的感觉只有
…
唉、怪。

越长大越发觉自己做错的事还蛮多的。
各种矛盾和感觉参杂起来的时候
我
也不晓该如何形容
穿插在我魂里人、事、物

我词穷脑汁干

就只能觉得
怪。

Reply

(Comment for Sharon's Blog)

Ying, I'm glad that I came over to your blog. I have never know what to talk to you, I've tried to start up a conversation that I wanted, but I always get a feedback that doesn't meet my expectation, and I ran out of ways. I do not understand you, and I'm never good at understanding people.

It is not only you that felt this way. Masks...what are they made for? To hide themselves, it is a self-defence mechanism of everyone. Have you tried putting yourself in our shoes? Don't we feel the same from you?

I felt that you're always untrue to me. I couldn't open your heart if you didn't intend to open up to let me in. I care, but I don't know how to tell you. I'm not as strong, they are a lot of things that I don't know as well. I need someone to be there, at the same line with me, but I do not know how to make this clear to you. I tried talking to you about my problems, I did tried to start a more personal conversation with you, but...either you didnt notice, or you don't want to tell. I'm one who need interactions. If I took the first step, and I didn't see you walking one step forward, I'll give up taking another step to you. It's my nature.

------

I used to do things by myself, but since you're my partner...I really wish I could really get help from you. But I couldn't 'fang xin' everytime to let you do your part, because there are always last minute 'interruptions'. Do I not feel disappointed as well? I know that I'm not a good partner to you or a good friend, I am a failure, I couldn't even get my partner and clarify her job tasks and what we need to work together, I couldn't take good care of her.

I couldn't enjoy in my holidays too. Calls, Sms-es, emails, related to the club. So what if I have CLS-phobia? I still have to face it, because it is my decision to get into high comm. There is no turning back. It is tough to do something that I don't understand, and it is even harder to tell something that I don't 100% understand to you and to others. That is why I often ask you... what makes you join the election in the first place? If you don't have the answer, take it as a path... that God has chosen for you (or a fate, perhaps it is easier to understand). He has his reasons for doing so - because he believed that we can overcome it, and He just wanted His children to be a better person by taking this bumpy road, and he brought us together.

Everytime we tell ourselves to be tough and strong, but are we really doing that? I know there is always people who mentally support me, but always the last important step, is to be taken by me. No matter how many people are supporting me, when I don't want to do it, everything ends.

You might just need a reason to go on. I need one too. I couldn't sleep well every night, I cried and I screamed. A lot of internal conflicts, a lot of thoughts. Aren't we all the same? I have a partner, but I couldn't feel her. What is the difference of doing all the thinking and working alone? Am I not lonely like you?

You get lost because you don't understand the situation. You don't know where you are and what you need. Trust me, I don't know too. A lot of critics by the seniors, a lot of mistakes, being blamed and being accused of a lot of my mistakes and inefficiency. Do you know all these? Do you know how hard I feel everyday? I wanted to share with you but I couldn't, because I didn't feel you. I'm scared of you, I don't know what to do with you. But you're here by my side, it's just that I couldn't feel you. And problems are like raindrops keep falling on me.

I tried hard to get out of this depression. Not even me, I think Jacky felt the same way too. When anything goes wrong, the blames go to him first. And he had to take up the burden of carrying us all, he doesn't even have the time to feel depressed. I don't want him to think of me as a burden. I often felt this way. I don't want to be anyone's burden.

But you know you have to get out of this depression, and I know you can.

You just need a reason to go on. When you know what you want, always remind yourself of that, because people are forgetful. If you didn't keep reminding yourself, you will get lost. Like I did, and I might still am lost. But I hope that at least I still have your hands to hold when I am lost.

Feel the strength that comes from our inner heart, dig it out to overcome our weakness. Both of us need to courage to face our problems.

Please, come back. Give me a chance to know you, let me know how you're supposed to be.

“Procrastination” 的运作方式

窗里的世界无比可爱
我为窗里人哀乐
自己也满足欢喜

如果我置身在那
就好了

每天会有属于那天的如果
只是这些如果都是
消磨时间的方式

空想
我在窗外的闷白色房间
墙上贴着一项项待完成的事
脑里飘着一箱箱放纵自己的方式

缓缓柔柔飘着的
比板板绷绷钉着的可爱

注意
放纵自己第一条

开窗吧！

我撇开待做的事
让自己颓废一点

然后
我欢喜地盯着窗里头
我又回到我可爱动画的怀抱了

如果我有一辈子的学校假期
就好了

邯郸学步

（变了么没变
没变么变了）

隐隐约约的模模糊糊的
一定比清清楚楚的
还要难受

简简单单的轻轻松松的
一定比充充实实的
来得单调

自己也搞不清状况了
在邯郸学步啊
学什么学了什么
连自己会什么
都得问啊什么了

我会走路么
我还能跑么
忘了怎走，还能学跑么

我
会走路么

写字

拼

啊～！！！

要拼就顾不得太多了
还好我从来都不照顾自己健康

鼓励

清不完的清单，做不完的作业
但充实不是无端的忙碌
我忙，因为我觉得盲

忙碌和充实本就是两回事
充实不需要说出口
周遭也是感受到的

忙碌常挂嘴边
一种最直接的内心表现
不是刻意说的
只是一直深切感受到的
毫无缘由的
盲忙

忙使人盲，盲了就茫
茫了使人胡思
乱想后就忘了自己
忘了时间地点
更忘了初衷

所以得常常提醒
自己要常抹眼镜
看清楚了才能给予
自己持久的鼓励

鼓励自己，如何？

你不需要知道吧。
我（暂且）会顶住的。

一心二用

你总是喜欢在同一时间内做几件事情吧
最后哪一样都做不好
也许不算不好啦，只是如果只选一件事情来做
你是知道你可以做得更好的
明白吗？

你只是贪心了些
还是按部就班地完成事情吧

他可乐

为何为他三心两意
为何对他存有少许的歉意
而想脱轨的心
为何又蠢蠢示意

他们对事的定义不一
没有太多共编的回忆
也没太多共同的经历
只是有种莫名的爱意

最后
还是他的可乐·水定理
（算是）解决了
之间的关系
与情意

明白了。贴切的。
亲爱的。
他。

含糊（二）

6
故此头痛开始频了
梦也越来越多
觉也睡的越来越久
精神却越来越累
我的挣扎
听不到看不见
自己也没发觉

7
为何他们的事一直都关我的事
为何她的事也一直都关着我的事
我如此觉得
为何我选择做我所认为的事时
不做却又觉得是自己的错
明明就不关我的事
为何不管还要觉得痛苦
为何我总要与这些人有牵连

其实只是自己太失败
解决不了问题

8
我想做的事
突然间变得不清楚了
人
变得很可怕
信任始终是一个自杀自残
的武器，无声无息地

9
发觉自己的基本能力都渐失去了
最基本的曾经会的
都不会了
亦或是我从不曾懂事过
从不曾“会”过

10
我
什么都不会（了？）
什么。

I don't know

3 years. 6 years. And another 6 years.
Not very much of regrets.
Underwent a lot of changes.
And now my following 4 years.

Something that I hoped for
Somewhere that I want to be
When I'm trying hard to get there
I know I do not have the determination
And I wonder
Are these really the things that I wanted?

"Is this the life that you wanted?"
Your question struck into my head

I stretched out my arms, waving frantically
I don't know where to hold
I don't even know where to go

Why didn't I thought about going straight to my dreams
Perhaps I'm never brave enough
But why do I have the courage to stand where I'm standing now

I couldn't see the end to my situation
Perhaps it is not something that could be reached by me
I do not have what it takes
I do not feel the same as everybody else
(who's walking on the same path)

I couldn't fit in.

Or... is it that I haven't fit it?
No. I see the glass as half empty.
Sometimes I don't even know who I am.
As in, I don't know the person that I should be
which is the real me and which is not
I couldn't diferentiate
I don't know

For the first time,
the feeling is so strong, I can feel it almost everytime I breathe
(I feel like an Otome who don't know why did she attend Galderobe in the first place. )

Having too many destinations is not a very good thing
Because you'll get lost in the junctions.
But the only thing I can do is smile :)

含糊（一）

1
又跟她吵了
离开现场心很难受
难受得眼泪也被掐出来了

她也很难受吧
我只是不想做我认为是
份外的事

2
为何我总是离不开
中间地带
我
极端不起来
偏激不起来

3
心理测验结果：
显示作答者幼儿时期曾受过权威式教育。
可能幼时受到长辈严格的教育，多次自己想做某些事却被人禁止的经验。因此有「实现自己的愿望是件不好的事」的潜在心理，
这类人经常会隐藏自己真正所要和所想的事。

4
我习惯
责怪自己
可是不责备自己
我真的找不到该负责的人了
都是自己不好
不可以太自私
不可以不负责任
不可以做坏孩子

5
可是我不是个好孩子
也不是个坏孩子
因为坏不起来
也许被铸造成好孩子模型了
只是与我本质相冲
很痛苦我不懂怎么脱离这
好孩子的枷锁

冷么

（相关：雪中送炭〕

虽有了木炭
我还是需要它的持续燃烧
因为没有火
我还是会觉得冷。

常自己点燃木炭
久了还是会觉得寂寞。

我比谁都在乎这些炭
因为我比任何人都来得敏感
我会作比较，我会找理由
我会一个人失落
我会瑟缩在墙角
一个人哆嗦打喷嚏

再一副没事发生地
呈现在你面前。

这些多余的情绪
我都有了。
一生下来就具有的本能
只能静静地感受

深夜一个人在角落静静地感受。

So Sick

I'm so sick of tiredness, so tired of sickness.
Guess this is the first time I ever regretted doing something.
So hard to self-motivate, I still remember my senior's words:

you'll need a lot of self-motivation.

I'm trying. Trying hard, I can't even balance my own self, so don't ask me how I balance my studies and 'it'.
I'll never do anything right and fast.
They compare. They compare!
I'll never be as good as the previous one.
I said, never.
(You aren't that good too. But did I say anything harsh to you?)

It hurts, honestly.
I don't want to remember but it stays itself.
I don't hate you, I'm just scared.

I feel so... lost.
Found back pieces of me, but time doesn't allow to have more of it
to find back the rest.

Because time doesn't wait.
I'll never have enough time to catch up with the pace.
I'll never meet your expectations.

And perhaps, I'm not quitting for the short future.
Because it is against my style.
And I guess this is all I have to say.

(...Craving for more time...)

答案

结论:
自己辛苦累积下来的定律
原来已在不知不觉中
一点一点地失去
导致自己操作故障。


不想见谁只想
回到自己的那一口井
我想一个人

静一静

寻觅
关于空虚的事
好久了

不是逃避
是我的方式

每天
空虚地敷衍生活
无端的忙碌
忙碌地盲目
衍生莫名的空虚

当自己完全不是自己的时候
是可怕的。

静下来发现
原来乱了的
是我的

规律。

有些步骤
是绝对不能够跳过的
是谁、是什么、从何开始
让我不知不觉地放弃了
我的所有的不可缺
不再留时间给自己

因此
我恳切需要自己的时间
整理出那些遗失的步骤。

A Talk with My Hand.

Never... an English post?
The same reason I gave for myself - I'm never good in expressing my inner confused thoughts in English. But still, I want to try.

I'm still confused. You thought you are very clear about what you want in life, but in the end, it never is clear, it's still blurry. This is not something new - Some of my thoughts never really changed, just like this one. I had a chinese phrase about this thought, in schizophrenia.

The path often remains unsure, for the reality you thought is real is actually an illusion. But still, I want to try. I don't know what faith or belief I'm holding to, I really don't know.

I walked, I fell, I ran, I tripped, I was even slapped, I screamed and I'm still bleeding. Bleeding and standing up. Because I know I need to stand up. I sulked and got into depression. Still, I know I have to stand up and face the pain. There's no way to stop my tears from flowing, but please let me have that time alone, and I will stand up again.

Perhaps, I'm afraid of things going too smoothly, perfection seems so impossible. I always expect the worst, that's why some said that I'm a pessimist. But this is what I considered optimistic is, I expect the worst, so when the situation really gets worse, I'll be prepared for all that.

Pushing myself as hard as I could, I know I'm still not good enough, I don't want to be left behind. The insecure feeling is always there, something that I'll never get rid of it, I can't treat myself better when I couldn't do a thing that I'm satisfied. I just can't spoil myself like that. I can't... because I'm always not good enough, never better. Perhaps it's a kind of self-torture, forcing myself to feel.

I'm scared, I'm terrified.
It didn't change.
I went upstairs, but because it's me, something will always remain.
(I'm also confused about my feelings, whether I should feel glad or sad for all this.)

Thanks for listening, hand.
(Quote: Talk to the hand, because the ear's not listening.)

不置疑

当我在这里的时候
你会否知道
我在这里的原因
我断定
你不知道
所以我感伤；

我也不会去想
你在这里的原因
因为你根本就不会
在这里
所以我继续感伤。

因此
我从未期盼
谁为我而存在
而停留而继续行走；

因此
我继续相信我自己
也不让谁期盼我
为他而存在
而停留而继续生活。

不让自己受骗受伤
就是不沉迷与他人的惑言

不置疑自己的信念。
一个人走，是对的。

困在喜悦背后

（摇晃的脚步心情的浮沉
轻浮的快乐哀叹的浓稠
身体不听话身心不协调
无力感累积到底怎么了）

要做一份正面感觉(positive feeling)的功课
我的主题是成长，给讲师检阅

“怎么整幅图那么伤感啊？”

喜悦的感觉如此飘渺
自我稍微懂事
稍微懂得一点有条理的涂鸦之后
似乎没有画过
所谓的正面感觉

怎么表达？
真难的功课。

我不懂得表达我曾感受过的喜悦
总是没有办法表达单纯的喜悦

因为我总认为喜悦的背后是沉重的
伤悲。
而我总是容易沉溺在那里。

压迫感

啊～

给我一个发泄的空间
倒不如你给我一段休息的时间

我－－

（接不下去了。）

- 呼吸困难 -