他可乐

为何为他三心两意
为何对他存有少许的歉意
而想脱轨的心
为何又蠢蠢示意

他们对事的定义不一
没有太多共编的回忆
也没太多共同的经历
只是有种莫名的爱意

最后
还是他的可乐·水定理
（算是）解决了
之间的关系
与情意

明白了。贴切的。
亲爱的。
他。

含糊（二）

6
故此头痛开始频了
梦也越来越多
觉也睡的越来越久
精神却越来越累
我的挣扎
听不到看不见
自己也没发觉

7
为何他们的事一直都关我的事
为何她的事也一直都关着我的事
我如此觉得
为何我选择做我所认为的事时
不做却又觉得是自己的错
明明就不关我的事
为何不管还要觉得痛苦
为何我总要与这些人有牵连

其实只是自己太失败
解决不了问题

8
我想做的事
突然间变得不清楚了
人
变得很可怕
信任始终是一个自杀自残
的武器，无声无息地

9
发觉自己的基本能力都渐失去了
最基本的曾经会的
都不会了
亦或是我从不曾懂事过
从不曾“会”过

10
我
什么都不会（了？）
什么。

I don't know

3 years. 6 years. And another 6 years.
Not very much of regrets.
Underwent a lot of changes.
And now my following 4 years.

Something that I hoped for
Somewhere that I want to be
When I'm trying hard to get there
I know I do not have the determination
And I wonder
Are these really the things that I wanted?

"Is this the life that you wanted?"
Your question struck into my head

I stretched out my arms, waving frantically
I don't know where to hold
I don't even know where to go

Why didn't I thought about going straight to my dreams
Perhaps I'm never brave enough
But why do I have the courage to stand where I'm standing now

I couldn't see the end to my situation
Perhaps it is not something that could be reached by me
I do not have what it takes
I do not feel the same as everybody else
(who's walking on the same path)

I couldn't fit in.

Or... is it that I haven't fit it?
No. I see the glass as half empty.
Sometimes I don't even know who I am.
As in, I don't know the person that I should be
which is the real me and which is not
I couldn't diferentiate
I don't know

For the first time,
the feeling is so strong, I can feel it almost everytime I breathe
(I feel like an Otome who don't know why did she attend Galderobe in the first place. )

Having too many destinations is not a very good thing
Because you'll get lost in the junctions.
But the only thing I can do is smile :)

含糊（一）

1
又跟她吵了
离开现场心很难受
难受得眼泪也被掐出来了

她也很难受吧
我只是不想做我认为是
份外的事

2
为何我总是离不开
中间地带
我
极端不起来
偏激不起来

3
心理测验结果：
显示作答者幼儿时期曾受过权威式教育。
可能幼时受到长辈严格的教育，多次自己想做某些事却被人禁止的经验。因此有「实现自己的愿望是件不好的事」的潜在心理，
这类人经常会隐藏自己真正所要和所想的事。

4
我习惯
责怪自己
可是不责备自己
我真的找不到该负责的人了
都是自己不好
不可以太自私
不可以不负责任
不可以做坏孩子

5
可是我不是个好孩子
也不是个坏孩子
因为坏不起来
也许被铸造成好孩子模型了
只是与我本质相冲
很痛苦我不懂怎么脱离这
好孩子的枷锁

冷么

（相关：雪中送炭〕

虽有了木炭
我还是需要它的持续燃烧
因为没有火
我还是会觉得冷。

常自己点燃木炭
久了还是会觉得寂寞。

我比谁都在乎这些炭
因为我比任何人都来得敏感
我会作比较，我会找理由
我会一个人失落
我会瑟缩在墙角
一个人哆嗦打喷嚏

再一副没事发生地
呈现在你面前。

这些多余的情绪
我都有了。
一生下来就具有的本能
只能静静地感受

深夜一个人在角落静静地感受。

So Sick

I'm so sick of tiredness, so tired of sickness.
Guess this is the first time I ever regretted doing something.
So hard to self-motivate, I still remember my senior's words:

you'll need a lot of self-motivation.

I'm trying. Trying hard, I can't even balance my own self, so don't ask me how I balance my studies and 'it'.
I'll never do anything right and fast.
They compare. They compare!
I'll never be as good as the previous one.
I said, never.
(You aren't that good too. But did I say anything harsh to you?)

It hurts, honestly.
I don't want to remember but it stays itself.
I don't hate you, I'm just scared.

I feel so... lost.
Found back pieces of me, but time doesn't allow to have more of it
to find back the rest.

Because time doesn't wait.
I'll never have enough time to catch up with the pace.
I'll never meet your expectations.

And perhaps, I'm not quitting for the short future.
Because it is against my style.
And I guess this is all I have to say.

(...Craving for more time...)

答案

结论:
自己辛苦累积下来的定律
原来已在不知不觉中
一点一点地失去
导致自己操作故障。


不想见谁只想
回到自己的那一口井
我想一个人

静一静

寻觅
关于空虚的事
好久了

不是逃避
是我的方式

每天
空虚地敷衍生活
无端的忙碌
忙碌地盲目
衍生莫名的空虚

当自己完全不是自己的时候
是可怕的。

静下来发现
原来乱了的
是我的

规律。

有些步骤
是绝对不能够跳过的
是谁、是什么、从何开始
让我不知不觉地放弃了
我的所有的不可缺
不再留时间给自己

因此
我恳切需要自己的时间
整理出那些遗失的步骤。

A Talk with My Hand.

Never... an English post?
The same reason I gave for myself - I'm never good in expressing my inner confused thoughts in English. But still, I want to try.

I'm still confused. You thought you are very clear about what you want in life, but in the end, it never is clear, it's still blurry. This is not something new - Some of my thoughts never really changed, just like this one. I had a chinese phrase about this thought, in schizophrenia.

The path often remains unsure, for the reality you thought is real is actually an illusion. But still, I want to try. I don't know what faith or belief I'm holding to, I really don't know.

I walked, I fell, I ran, I tripped, I was even slapped, I screamed and I'm still bleeding. Bleeding and standing up. Because I know I need to stand up. I sulked and got into depression. Still, I know I have to stand up and face the pain. There's no way to stop my tears from flowing, but please let me have that time alone, and I will stand up again.

Perhaps, I'm afraid of things going too smoothly, perfection seems so impossible. I always expect the worst, that's why some said that I'm a pessimist. But this is what I considered optimistic is, I expect the worst, so when the situation really gets worse, I'll be prepared for all that.

Pushing myself as hard as I could, I know I'm still not good enough, I don't want to be left behind. The insecure feeling is always there, something that I'll never get rid of it, I can't treat myself better when I couldn't do a thing that I'm satisfied. I just can't spoil myself like that. I can't... because I'm always not good enough, never better. Perhaps it's a kind of self-torture, forcing myself to feel.

I'm scared, I'm terrified.
It didn't change.
I went upstairs, but because it's me, something will always remain.
(I'm also confused about my feelings, whether I should feel glad or sad for all this.)

Thanks for listening, hand.
(Quote: Talk to the hand, because the ear's not listening.)

不置疑

当我在这里的时候
你会否知道
我在这里的原因
我断定
你不知道
所以我感伤；

我也不会去想
你在这里的原因
因为你根本就不会
在这里
所以我继续感伤。

因此
我从未期盼
谁为我而存在
而停留而继续行走；

因此
我继续相信我自己
也不让谁期盼我
为他而存在
而停留而继续生活。

不让自己受骗受伤
就是不沉迷与他人的惑言

不置疑自己的信念。
一个人走，是对的。

困在喜悦背后

（摇晃的脚步心情的浮沉
轻浮的快乐哀叹的浓稠
身体不听话身心不协调
无力感累积到底怎么了）

要做一份正面感觉(positive feeling)的功课
我的主题是成长，给讲师检阅

“怎么整幅图那么伤感啊？”

喜悦的感觉如此飘渺
自我稍微懂事
稍微懂得一点有条理的涂鸦之后
似乎没有画过
所谓的正面感觉

怎么表达？
真难的功课。

我不懂得表达我曾感受过的喜悦
总是没有办法表达单纯的喜悦

因为我总认为喜悦的背后是沉重的
伤悲。
而我总是容易沉溺在那里。